YOU CONFESS. HE, HOWEVER…IS THINKING ABOUT WHERE HIS NEXT MEAL IS COMING FROM.. Dear Father Geouff! Does Andy Murray like scud? By e-mail, P.Ronaldson, Newhaven. Yes, very much so Pete, the talented six footer rents an old aircraft hanger near Stirling to keep his vast selection of pornography his favourite titles are said to include … Continue Reading →
Dear Geouff! Last Month after winning the British Open, blubbering golfer Tiger Woods claimed that his dad was always there watching over him. Is this really the case? If so is Tiger’s dad there watching as he performs sexually on his undeniably tidy, tidy missus? Is pater there when Tiger goes to the latrine to… Continue Reading →
Dear Geeouff, We’ve all of us (yes every single last one of us) been salivating over the thrills and spills of the Giro D’Italie in the last month, and, once we get that tiresome effimenate football world cup out of the way, It’ll be time for the Tour De France. So who do fancy Geouff,… Continue Reading →
Dear Sir, Having followed with some interest the correspondence regarding the impending smoking ban, I am disappointed that no-one thus far has considered the matter from the standpoint of the professional wino. Many of these colourful characters – whose antics as they rattle half-jaked around Hunter Square, shouting at parked cars and reeking of piss,… Continue Reading →
Dear Geouff, Is it me or is that wank on the new BT Broadband adverts getting a rough deal? I mean to say he’s bagged off with what has to be called a ‘borderline boiler’ who then has the gaul to move in her two grumpy, untidy kids into his house, force him to get… Continue Reading →
From Portobello Pup Pound to Cannine Columnist. Why not share your problems with Geouufff at the following Email address (IF, you have an email address, that is, we do!!) Dear Geouff, Please settle a bet. Is 80 the new 25? or is 60 the new 50? P. Ronaldson, Abbeyhill. Geouff says……. Listen carefully Peter 22 is actually… Continue Reading →
From Portobello Pup Pound to cannine columnist… Dear Geouff, I heard that David Wilkie was the first man to wear goggles in competitive swimming. Is this true? And perhaps more importantly what is he doing these days? Yours Concerned, P Ronaldson, Abbeyhill It is true Peter. David was the first man to wear goggles in… Continue Reading →
From Portobello Pup Pound to canine columnist. Dear Geouuff! Is it true that your entire column will be dedicated to a question and answer format involving the Tour of France and it’s little foibles over the century of it’s being? Elaine C. Smith, an awfy nice tenement, with triple glazing an’ that, Glasgow. I’m not… Continue Reading →
Dear Frank, ‘Don’t go chasing waterfalls.” so championed Sir Paul McCartney in the mid 80’s in his crucial rock pop ballad. Does he realise that, in my youth, I got my hole several times in the one weekend whilst visiting Rumbling Bridge near The Crook of Devon By Kinross? Also I impregnated my wife three… Continue Reading →
When the others let you down……It’s time to ask Geouufff! Dear Geouuff, Is it me, or are those fathers for justice a bunch of wanks. G. Sloss, Iona St. It’s not you. They are, undoubtedly, a bunch of grade ‘A’ wanks. If you’re going to be splattered all over the papers at least invest in… Continue Reading →