YEZ AR AU STARS – XMAS 05

Proudly present by Edinburgh District Council in conjunction with Fife & Lothians Health Board and NOKIA.

SAGITTARIUS

Be careful in love this month.

LIBRA

Just when you thought life couldn’t get any bleaker this winter, along comes Chris Evans and another shoddy Sunday night ‘entertainment’ show that a gang of drunk, dyslexic nine year olds could improve upon.

CANCER

Tidying up the garden can seem like hard work.  It’s going to seem a whole lot more painful next month when that big weeping cyst fully develops on your arse. As a result of this you will need to be cautious in love.

LEO

This Christmas why not give the caring gift of new JML slimming pants to someone – yourself for instance – lets face it you could really do with a set. A big, extra powerful set.

SCORPIO

A small ‘accident’ while walking through Gorgie on Wednesday makes you realise that incontinence pants are not just for the elderly or weekend nights out.

NOKIA 6780:’Fits nicely down the front of my shorts - its a lovely little package - Ivan Basso (Tour De France Winner 2006)

VIRGO

Don’t be careful in love this month – do exactly what you like, when you like, with who you like, wherever you like, at what time you like, on top of what you like whilst watching what you like and hearing what you like…within reason of course, don’t do anything too impetuous.

GEMINI

Be slightly careful in love this month.

AQUARIUS

Throw caution to the wind with your ‘relationships’ this month. But still be slightly careful. But not overcautious.

PISCES

Eat a banana while still holding down a relationship this month – but be careful.

TAURUS

Your Xmas spirits are raised later this month when several small parcels arrive on your doorstep. They go straight back down though when you open them – bills, reminders and a citation about the ‘incident’ with the dog. Be cautious in Love.

CAPRICORN

Evil is afoot. The devil is leading you from the bookies, to the pub, to stranger’s beds, to Carlton hill at the chime of midnight (or just after CC’s closes). Beware of a man in a red boilersuit with a heavy beard ‘bearing’ gifts of wine and poppers (room odourisers). Also you might want to be careful in love at this time of year.

ARIES

Here it is again, Christmas with all it’s cheer and hope. Friends meeting and greeting, the jovial spreading of love and happiness. But for you loneliness is a crowded room – and no wonder – let’s face it – you smell!

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