YEZ AR AU STARS, SO YEZ UREVEN THE ANES THAT URNEY – DEC 2003

With Charlie Millar in conjunction with Spuddy Buddy & Billy Brocolli.

Aquarius

Aquarians take note! Many a false step is taken by standing still, a fool and her money are often parted, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush also getting wankered in the city cafe and ending with your pants on top of your head is just bad for business.

Pisces

You’ll probaly be feeling a little uncomfortable at work this week and it’s little wonder – the vibrator from that Taste afterparty is still buzzing away inside your rectum. Unlucky colour: Red

Capricorn

A chance meeting with wee fat Bob of radio Forth ‘Fame’ lets you realise that he does exactly what it says on the tin. And yes he is as minging as he looks on those bus adverts.

Aries

A day trip on the megabus to Glasgow next weekend ends up in a jelly frenzy, culminating in dissappointing sex outside Paisley ice rink with Pat Lally,Lulu and Paul ‘shiver me timbers’Coia.

Scorpio

Tyrone Power and Norman Mailer cause  quite a stir  when they simultaneously vomit over you in CC Blooms next Monday.

Virgo

A quiet walk with your partner in the countryside near East Kilbride turns very quiet next weekend. Sadly you are shot by a ‘jellied up’ Glasweegan farmer who mistakes you for a breeding pair of Gazelle

Taurus

The weeping sores on your genitalia are a sure sign that the good lord no longer wants you to sleep around as much at the weekends. Still, the ‘good’ Lord isn’t always right is he? and well after a few drinks….who knows? Beware a man called Guy driving a red Volvo.

Gemini

After leaving school with all those highers and exciting ‘o’ grades, a full time job at the local sauna was maybe not what you thought you’d end up doing as a career. And it fucking won’t be! Unless you pull your socks up and try and get some business sorted out. Your four weeks behind on the rent already! Working in the sauna isn’t some kind of holiday camp or a Cliff Richard musical.

Sagittarius

Drinking in Stockbridge this weekend will take an unusual turn when a man in a red Volvo offers to take you ona romantic cruise. Initial excitment fades to disappointment as you head off to Kirkcaldy on The Maid Of the Forth

Libra

You have come third in a beauty pagent collect ten pounds from each person at your table.

Cancer

They say that everything comes to those that wait. Well, you’ve not had your napper for several months now. Do you think maybe everything you read isn’t actually true. Still, looking on the bright side at least you are happy with your own company..which is just as well. Unlucky automobile: red Volvo

Leo

When walking along Princess St on Thursday a chance encounter with the No 33 makes you realise the very real dangers of jaywalking. Unlucky soul sensation: Luther Vandross

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