Given the size of it… Isn’t it time you went to the doctors?
Congratulations you have won second prize in a beauty competition. As well as collecting £10 from each person at the table, you will also receive an eight week daily excrement check performed by Channel 4’s undeniably ugly Dr Gillian McKeith.
Friday goes exactly the way you planned it when a game of naked darts in the Alhambra Bar on Leith walk ends up in a blatant no holds barred orgy of Guinness, Sweetheart Stout, peppermint cordial and the black arts.
A visit to Borland’s darts and Television of Leith Walk next Tuesday is rewarded by a chance meeting with ex Lord Provost Eric ‘Millenium’ Milligan and a subsequent 8hr drinking binge in the Grey Horse, Dalkeith Road. Mr Milligan reveals that his favourite double is 12.
A straightforward Thursday turns into an exciting safari of sexual delights after meeting Ex Lady Provost Elanor McGlaughlin at the darts flyer at Lauries Bar on Lauriston Place.
You weren’t even thinking about having a game of strip darts this weekend but a chance meeting with Bruce Forsyth and Little Ronnie Corbett on the oche in The Captains Bar leaves you down to your pants but two grand better off.
A schoolboy error is avoided this Saturday. A timely visit to Borland’s Darts And Television for a sharpener allows you to compete with full confidence in a simple, no nonsense game of 301 in the unlikely surroundings of the Iglu Bar on Jamaica street.
Et scoring for Elaine Paige, Ms Barbara Dickinson and Tam ‘The Licensee’ McGraw in The Dean Bar, Stockbridge, your swift presence of mind about the split elevens rule saves Ms Paige the game, and you from an unholy thrashing.
You are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea next weekend: What should you do? Drink heavily in The Horseshoe at £1.79 a for Carlsberg or brush up on extra darts practice in the Strathmore at £2.30 a pop for Tennents.
A broken stem on the way to The Auld Clachan in Tollcross causes much consternation. Luckily their excellent ‘buy 4 pints get 5th free’ promotion soothes away any friction and a good night( including extra chili sauce down the front of the trousers from Topkapi kebab takeaway) prevails.
A much anticipated visit to The City Cafe this Thursday will end in disaster when you realise that not only have you forgotten your flights and there are no spares behind the bar, but there isn’t a darts board in the place! Two pool tables but no fucking darts! Naturally a major riot ensues and the night is wasted.
A game of ‘Killer’ in The Quarter Gill with Paul Ferris next Tuesday, goes, badly, badly wrong..
Proudly presented by Edinburgh District Council in conjunction with Fife & Lothians Health Board and Borlands.
STOP PRESS: SCIENTOLOGISTS IN UPROAR BUT NO ONE CARES.
The Scientology cult were said to be shocked and disgusted by their lack of coverage in The Shavers Weekly yesterday. Keen cult member Tom Cruise phoned The Weekly offices over fourteen times in a single afternoon but no members of the staff could be bothered to have any form of social interaction with him whatsoever. At one point he was left unattended on loudspeaker for 3 hours 45 minutes. – Reuters.