Edinburgh District Council in conjunction with Fife & Lothians Health Board and NOKIA proudly present

After noticing a NEW e-mail in fashionable family newspaper Shavers Weekly. You spend over an hour writing a complex and amusing letter. Three weeks later and hey presto! A prize package containing an Xmas pudding and cycling tracksuit is couriered to your door by a stunning delivery boy.

You are going to get knocked over by a blue Citroen cx2000 at 12.25 tomorrow! Only kidding! It’s the day after! Still, pretty fucking painful though.

You are sleepy, very very sleepy; you are in my command, totally in my command. You will read this weeks Auto trader. You will buy a big, fancy red ‘Rancho Explorer’ this weekend. You’ll take off all of your clothes around 5pm. Drive your new car naked and proud at high speed through the doors of Scotmid on Leith Walk.  Repeating this mantra ‘Where are the big melons, where are the big fucking melons!’   Unlucky phenomenon: Deja Vu.

Your not being nearly tough enough on yourself this month – You need to give yourself a kick up the arse. In fact, why not get a friend to write a sign along the lines of “I’m an arse, I’ve got haemorrhoids kick me here, hard!” and then stick it to your bum.

A chance meeting with Tiger Woods and Michelle Wie at The Ormiston Bowling Club leads to a wonderful evening in bed with ‘Something

NOKIA 6780:’My new Nokia lets me phone the missus any time of the night or day and sending my ‘holiday snaps - Disgraced peer Mike ‘The Guv’nor’ Watson.

for everyone’ next Wednesday. Unfortunately things are soured slightly when Miss Wie decides to take a preferred lie and you have to order a two stroke penalty. Lucky Colour: Brown.

Why not pop down to Leith for a change this month. You could go and visit the battleship that is docked in the harbour to celebrate the 200th anniversary of The Battle of Trafalgar. Then, after a few pints and after dark, relive the experience at Balfours on Leith walk.  After buying several generous rations of rum you’ll be amazed how a pool table can easily be transformed into a sea going galleon and a cue adapted to have the power of a cannon!

I foresee your local football team first raising your spirits, then letting you down badly in the forthcoming weeks. Unlucky colour: green with white bits.

A chance meeting with Ernie Wise and Ronnie Corbett in ‘Moods’ at the Omni centre gets off to a lively start this weekend. By the end of the night though your thoughts about the tedium of poppers, voyeurism and pensioner sex are fully re-affirmed.

Isn’t life strange? No sexual contact for six months and then all of a sudden. Bingo!… Still no sexual contact for another five. I see a very lean, frustrating winter ahead for you. Why not try drinking in Jongleurs stand up ‘comedy’ club – You’ll be in good company!

This Friday is ‘Pants Down And On The Head Day’ again at work. Hooray! Don’t be shy join in the fun! Then it’s up to George Street for cocktails and a kebab! Isn’t it great working for Standard Life? Don’t forget to pay the mortgage next week! See ya!

‘It’s been a hard day’s night.’ So wrote the Fab Four in the sixties. Little did they realise the relevance these lyrics would have for you this month. After a mammoth all day drinking spree the Police finally catch up with you and you’re arrested for shoplifting at Liddell’s on the bridges. Yes it’s a Friday so you have to spend the whole weekend banged up with only incontinent drunkards for company. Looking on the bright side though it does mean you have a very valid reason for missing ‘The X Factor.

After seeing a full page advert for the Carriers Quarters featuring Guy ‘Groper’ Griffiths on the opposite page, you make a mental note to never, ever drink there again or mention seeing the advert to anyone.

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