Presented by Edinburgh District Council in conjunction with Fife & Lothians Health Board and NOKIA.

You are going to die tomorrow!… Only kidding you’re not going to die for at least another fortnight – it’s going to pretty painful though.

You are sleepy, very very sleepy; you are in my command, totally in my command. You will read this weeks Autotrader. You will buy a big, fancy red car this weekend. Take off all of your clothes. Drive your new car naked and proud at high speed through the doors of Scotmid on Leith Walk. Now repeat the mantra ‘Where are the big melons, where are the big melons,’ and… wake up.

You are feeling sleepy, very sleepy – not surprisingly really it’s almost five in the morning and your gubbies have worn off. Shouldn’t you be getting off to your bed – you look fucked.

"NOKIA 6225:The phone that lets you bag-off with anybody you want any time of the day."

Oh dear those shares you invested in Loaded in the mid nineties are not looking too hot. I told you to invest in Internet porn – but would you listen – no you wouldn’t! Don’t worry there’s still time to invest* I know this great little car company called Rover. Just send the money to the Weekly and we’ll do the rest. *Shares may go down, disappear completely or never get invested in the first place without any notice to anyone.

A man in a grey suit will make a big difference to your life this weekend when he shoots two of your best friends and suffocates a third while electrocuting your boss and her husband. Lucky colour: red.

Let people argue between themselves about things that are of crucial importance to them but which mean very little to you. By the end of the week you’ll be glad you stuck to your own agenda of heavy drinking and excessive masturbation.

Don’t let your generous streak cost you more than you can afford this week. You’re working in the sauna for a good reason. Giving away ‘freebies’ is all very nice but it’s not going to pay the bills is it?

Don’t worry about a chance meeting with David Hasselhoff in Pilrig this weekend. After hasty words are exchanged David will soon see sense and rein in his vicious, vicious temper. The Hoff is going through a difficult stage after not being invited to headline at the G8 concert at The Brandenburg Gate.

You will do well to refuse the offer of a wild foursome with Texan divas Destiny’s Child next weekend. What Initially might sound an entertaining way to kill a few hours is simply not worth it. You owe it to your bosses at Standard Life to turn up on time and be refreshed and ready to put in a full days work. They’d do the same for you.

Sir Bob Geldoff will break into your house and steal your shoes a week on Tuesday. In order to gain some pleasure from this event be sure to defecate in them before going to sleep on the Monday night. That’s right! Poo in your own shoes so that Bob has to meet international dignitaries with the ‘real reek’ of poverty!

Feeling bored with nothing to do this Sunday? There’s no excuse! Get yourself along to Talcum Explosion’s RINGTONE SPECIAL! You can meet all your favourite characters: The Frog, Nessie The Dragon, Horny Horny Rhino and Fisty the Bear.

A chance meeting with Sir John Mills means that you are actually dead and wandering around in the afterlife. Say hello to David Niven and Richard Burton for us could you please. Tell David i’ll leave his ‘thwack’ in the usual place.

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