Dear Geouff!
Last Month after winning the British Open, blubbering golfer Tiger Woods claimed that his dad was always there watching over him. Is this really the case? If so is Tiger’s dad there watching as he performs sexually on his undeniably tidy, tidy missus? Is pater there when Tiger goes to the latrine to do a number two or number three even?

Yours wondering,
P. Ronaldson,

Thanks for writing in Peter, I think Tiger was just talking metaphorically. By the way, what is a number three? Oh…don’t bother I think I understand.

Dear Geouuff!
Are we now to take it that the twat from the BT Adverts has been forced to sell his house to move into bigger one with those mutant ‘adopted’ children and forced to breed with what can only fairly be described as a borderline boiler? Also is it me or is he starting to act a bit harder? Come on BT, It’s time to lose these adverts which are quite plainly embarrassing and make uncomfortable viewing for all the family.

(name and address respectfully withheld)
Alistair Jeremy Ross Watt,
Lady Nairn Drive.

Dear Geouuff!
Why do dogs licks their balls?

Dr Stephen Hawking
Denver, Colorado.

Stephen, I’ve told you twice already Hawky,  I’ll not dignify this question with an answer.

Dear Geoouuff!
If the News of The World is shocked by George Michael’s ‘shocking’ and ‘depraved’ cruising on Hampstead Heath then why do they pay a man good money to wander around there with a camera? Is this another case of shocking double standards or am I just being a naive, aging,  wrinkly, balding, permatanned fanny-lad?

T. Sheridan
A sauna, Edinburgh.

Being a close friend of Mr Michael. I would just like to point out that George has, for many years, suffered from a rare condition known as ‘sleepsucking’ and is rarely responsible for his actions during nightime.

Dear Geouff!
If George Michael thinks that buying his partner Kenny Goss a million pound gift is good way of keeping his relationship intact -then I for one think he’s spot on! I wouldn’t mind going out with George and letting him cheat  all the time – Mind you I’m not actually a homosexual so I would prefer if he had sex with other men and not me.

D. Essex
A nice big house in Wilts.

Dear Geouff!
We are always seeing pictures of you in The Weekly with your ears up. Do you have any recent photos with your ears down

Yours wondering?
P. Irvine,

No problem Mr Irvine. The pic below sees me keeping warm last Winter in my ‘Barker’. Thanks for taking time out of your busy, busy schedule to write in.P.S. Loved the headed notepaper.

Dear Geouff!!
Maybe more readers could get rid of cold callers by using my reply the other day when asked by an unannounced and uninvited telephone trainee from Loans 4 U “What would you do if we offered you a lump sum of money today?”

“Try and get my electricity  reconnected.” – I honestly retorted, then the line went suddenly dead. Ideal.

Yours in darkness,
G. Sloss, Iona St.

P.S. the wages at The Weekly (the paper that cares) are shocking.

Thanks for that Mr Sloss. While every effort is made by the Weekly to keep contributors to the publication in electricity we cannot be held responsible for certain ‘lifestyle choices’ and/or oppertunity cost decisions.

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