The district council unveiled plans yesterday to turn the Water of Leith from stinking cesspit into a giant flume park with free white-water rafting for all.

"Busy - Leith Waterworld Yesterday."

“For too long now The Water of Leith has been a subject of much complaint and misery, be it the constant supply of corpses, footballs and soiled undergarments, the flooding of peoples houses or the fact that it might be home to four semi-piscine monsters that only come out at night attack bin bags, and wipe kebab wrappers over shop windows while singing Robbie Williams or Oasis songs,” commented council spokesperson Edith Hoser,

“ Now we want to use it as a natural resource and have

a good laugh when it’s pissing it down at the same time. It is hoped that at some point we will be able to tunnel a direct link to Leith Waterworld. This would be of benefit to both facilities. They have both come in for their fair share of critiscm over the years. By combining the pair we could both filter the river and dilute Waterworld. which might help rid it of the moniker “Welcome to Leith Waterworld – The home of urine infested chlorine for the under tens.”


Lothian and borders police expressed fears over the weekend about the possibility of groups of enthusiasts buying dinghies over something called ‘The Internet’ and using the water of Leith as a ‘Giant flume park’.


“It would take a person (or persons) of limited intelligence to buy a dinghy for around £523 from Inflatable dinghys.com and start white-water rafting down the water of Leith after heavy rainfall.
We are against this for two reasons:
A) It doesn’t take a professional policeman to work out the havoc and extra pressure that would be placed on the emergency services – even John Nettles could foresee that.
B) People may actually enjoy themselves on an otherwise unused facility that tax payers have been providing money for years” commented Constable Nigella Mandella.

"Havoc - How Lothian & Borders Police envisage the introduction of rafting in Leith."


The Shavers Weekly (the paper that cares) has given its full backing to individuals wishing to purchase their own dinghies and go ‘white-water’ rafting down the Water Of Leith.


Speaking at a hastily convened press conference outside Velo-Ecosse in Bruntsfield Shavers Weekly editor and Scottish Scalextrics champion 1972, Frank Simpson, told assembled reporters that as a young man he used to fear the onset of winter in Scotland. “In my youth I would find myself somewhat ‘down’ come October with it’s dark nights and heavy rainfall.” he commented, “Now with this new plan individuals can actually look forward to the heavy precipitation that Autumn north of the border brings. Once I’ve purchased my dinghy there will be no more Oh dear!  Look at that pissing rain!  It’ll be more like – Oh boysie! Oh boysie! Oh boysie! It’s fucking it down! – Grab the newly obtained inflatable dingy that we bought on the electronic highway dear, let’s go!”

"Sensual - How Shavers Weekly editor Frank Simpson, 59, sees everything."

Pausing only briefly to adjust his trouserings he continued enthusiastically “Having walked the course (The Water Of Leith) I can safely say that participants will certainly need ‘ a good swell’ created by two or three days heavy rainfall to clear those nasty rocky sections. This will only add to the mystique of the sport, not unlike in that surfing film with Jan Michael-Vincent” When quizzed about the 7ft weir at the Pilrig\Ferry Rd section of the river he was typically upbeat “Initially participants would probably have to disembark and carry their dinghies round the weir, but eventually, I feel confident that given a mixture of stupidity, bravado, showing off to members of the opposite sex and probably heavy drinking that somebody – possibly an antipodean or Ally Watt would surely ‘Give it a go.”

What do you think about white-water rafting down The Water of Leith or children urinating in swimming pools?
Perhaps when you were young you sat in the shallow end and let it all squirt out?
Or maybe you believed there was a dye that turned blue when you pissed  in your trunks?
Perhaps you still hang around swimming pools because you feel lonely or unloved?
Why not tell us via ‘The Information Highway’ (That’s the internet) at frank_fannydeeker_simpson @yahoo.co.uk

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