Plus: You’ll not have to meet him unless you want to
Minus: Don’t bother introducing the kids, unless you don’t like them of course.
Do: Provide jellies and other substances on visiting days.
Don’t: Introduce the kids – Now come on you’ve already been warned!
Lives: In a self satisfied world of his own.
Minus: Moaning faced, denture wearing, fat cheeked, bloated mutant.
Do: Wear pringle checked sweaters.
Don’t: Breed with him for Christ sakes!
Lives: In Edinburgh’s plush Dalry area.
Plus: This hardworking DJ and political hero is a real Trojan in the bedroom and girls, even if you’re a little on the weighty side, well this well known chubby chaser will be more than happy to please…
Minus: When it comes down it – he’s in love with the music – Abba and Erasure mainly.
Do: Complement him on his lustrous hair.
Don’t: Wait till it’s too late. Get this hot handful now!!
‘WEE’ JIMMY KRANKIE
Plus: Into transvestism and most probably up for all sorts of bizarre disgusting sexual practices.
Minus: See above
Do: Try to get into the idea of sleeping with a small child.
Don’t: Get caught by the thought police.
Lives: In Australia – Not strictly a Scot but very very ineligible.
Plus: Tidy Arse
Minus: Fucking boring – just ask all the exes.
Do: Drink heavily when out on a date.
Don’t: Sober up, ever.
BRIAN ‘SURLY’ SOUTER
Lives: In a land far far away.(Perth)
Plus: Loads of dosh.
Minus: Homophobic ugly mutant.
Do: Try and tap a few quid off him.
Don’t: Take him to CC’s with your gay brother.
Plus: Won’t steal your shampoo Stop! Stop.! Stop!! Oh sorry! What on earth is The Big Mac doing in here? What a horrific mistake! Lets hope this doesn’t end up in court!
Lives: In gods cold, cold earth.
Plus: Keen on a pint.
Minus: A bit whiffy.
Do: Get down your local as often as possible.
Don’t: Expect too much in the conversation department.