cousteau with red hat
featuring the ghost of the late Jacques Costeau.


A night out with Joss Stone goes exactly as planned for you and your mates next week. After two hours of her nauseating chat you successfully manage to ditch her in The City Café..


Life is good but your Sundays are lacking excitement and impulse. Buy a crate of Tennents super lager (or Duvel if your feeling flush), place in freezer. Watch The Grand Prix and down a full can whenever Alexander  ‘Eat my wurz’ Wurz is mentioned in the commentary. P.S. Don’t leave home on Thursday.


Your first visit to the Horseshoe on Leith Walk for some time leaves you slightly stunned. It has been taken over and the prices are normal. Same low budget bar  but normal prices. Same ‘helpful’ staff but normal prices, same carling lager – but normal prices. Everything just so normal – what happened to the £1.78 a pint…what happened? What is going on with the world? Good luck arrives in the form of cowdung on the 22nd. Beware an adventurer with measles called Alan.


A night out with Colin Montgomerie at The Dome is cut thankfully short next weekend when Monty refuses point blank to get any drinks for anybody, complains about the service, mutters something about the ‘continual glare of the press’ and walks out after blaming the bar manager about a strange smell.


Give your friends a real treat this weekend –stay in.


Alan Partridge star Steven ‘Stevie’ ‘Coogie’ ‘Coogie Woogie’ Coogan is in for a right shock next week when you spot him on George Street and administer a painful blow to the groin.


Take a good long look at yourself. Not pretty is it?


Luck seems to run out for your establishment after refusing to take out a regular ad in the Weekly. Sales are down, profits are down, staff are miserable, the customers are even more miserable. If only you’d thought in the long term and taken out that advertisement. A small windfall comes your way on the 31st in the guise of a ‘Closing Down Sale.’


Yet another late night meeting with Lewis Hamilton in CC Blooms lets you know your suspicions were spot on.


It’s time to face up to facts this month. Climate warning isn’t happening, the automobile is still one of gods best inventions, everyone has to die sometime, abortion is a woman’s right, war is exciting, Formula 1 is tedious and you are one ugly bastard.


Why not treat yourself this weekend – by placing covers on all of your mirrors around the house.


‘I used to have a little and now I have a lot’ such was Jennifer Lopez’s  candid and refreshingly honest appraisal of her own arse. Born under the sign of Leo  this feisty go-getter will always seek conflict in relationships. Still, looking on the bright side if the ‘latest’ Mr Lopez is getting on her nerves she merely has to sit on him to shut him up.

Jenifer lopez sexy

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