‘MOST EXCITING EVENT IN THE WORLD EVER’ PROMISES EDITOR.
Shavers Weekly editor Mr Frank Simpson has announced ambitious plans to privatise the Stockbridge Duck Race and use it as a vehicle to promote his publication and sexual rating amongst the general public.
“The Duck Race has become a healthy charitable institution in the new town, raising a lot of money for good causes, children, the environment and the aged – it’s about time that I changed all that.” commented the 62-year-old self-made millionaire. “Gone will be the profits to charity. Gone will be the free entry and gone will be the duck themselves – I intend to replace them with empty cans of Tennets lager in an effort to maximise value for money – for me that is, you understand.
It’s with cash in mind that I will also be changing the time and date to Every Friday at Six ‘o’clock and of course the ducks will now be selling for a tenner each. But the punters needn’t worry as the prizes will be much greater as well – such as two nights out with me downstairs at CC’s instead of the previous single night out.”
Journalists were horrified to learn late last night that Shavers Weekly and keen amateur botanist DOES occasionally, if required, waste column inches – Reuters
INSIDE YOUR PET FRIENDLY WEEKLY:
OH DEAR IT’S..
FAT, SINGLE AND HITTING THE MID FORTIES!
Welcome to monty’s world. In a very boring interview with The Weekly Colin Montgomerie goes on and on (and on) about how tough it is being a professional golfer and about ‘that’ dress!
WHICH FORMULA 1 DRIVERS ARE REALLY, REALLY GAY?
For those still wishing to maintain the ‘magic’ of formula 1, please do not visit P30.
ORGANISE YOUR OWN FUNERAL -WE SHOW WHERE, HOW, WHY AND WITH WHOM – DULL ARTICLE P39