A trip to John Lewis takes a turn for the worse next week. When you find your granddad and Jonathon Ross taking turns trying to be amusing whilst not being knowingly undersold in the ladies hosiery department.
Your house is blown away by a freak hurricane next week. Grief turns to joy however, when you realise that Katy Price, Peter Andre, Posh and Kerry Katona were having a fisting competition in the library at the time of its destruction.
Great news! If you bare your sexual organs to the person sitting to your left, you will immediately receive a new driving licence, £200 in cash and tickets to see Scooby Doo (A.K.A ‘The Doo’) at the playhouse next summer!
Ambitions are stirred by the full moon and sets you free from no win situations. Your love life is on the move again. Letting the world see the real you attracts a perfect partner – but sadly you soil yourself badly on the first date.
Getting the balance at work is vital this month and advice from a quiet pal (to shut the fuck up) saves you a well deserved kicking on Lothian Road next Tuesday.
Don’t try and get too smart with your heart this Xmas. Go The Phoenix on Broughton Street over the festive period and drink heavily, then bag off with the first minger that will have you.
Doing too much to keep a partner happy could dilute things in the bedroom this week, mind you given your terrible record for incontinence, maybe this is no bad thing. Avoid anyone with a spacehopper or green braces.
The full moon uncovers intriguing family secrets. The subsequent blackmailing of your grandfather sees you better off than expected over the festive period. The New Year however brings penury when he takes you to court, wins, and you are jailed for three months.
Keep a close eye on the boss at work this week. Is it you or have his ears doubled in size again? Maybe it’s time to cut back on the Night Nurse at the weekends.
Things take a turn for the better at the end of the month when you’re finally released from jail after a particularly difficult office xmas party. Not so good in January at the court case though when the judge takes a very grim view on your rather weak wandering hands’ defence and puts you down for six months.
December finally convinces you what the rest of us have known for years: It really does all happen at the Xmas orifice party. That’s right, orifice party…
The moon is moving into Uranus. It’s all about Uranus. Repeat: It’s all about Uranus.