Stars by Nicholas ‘That awful man’ Witchell

Stars by Nicholas ‘That awful man’ Witchell

Nicholas Witchell - bbc reporterScorpio
A visit to Easter road next week leads to disappointment. Again. Victoria Beckham was 37 on April 17th.

Virgo
Returning back from holiday people seem distant and you feel estranged with everyone around you – this is because you got on the wrong plane at Heathrow and are currently in Puerto Rica.

Pisces
After the huge high of winning an all expenses paid weekend in Lumphinans, there is a downside, arriving there.

Libra
A small present left by a loved one cheers up an otherwise unremarkable week.

Sagittarius
The weekend is looking good until, as usual, Mars enters Uranus.

Leo
Things are definitely looking up for unlucky in love Jennifer Anniston – but not for you -prepare yourself for another lonely, lonely month.

Arthur from Eastenders
Carpricorn

A bold but slightly drunk Liz Hurley will try and bag off with you in Priscillas in exactly two weeks time – be sure to have plenty of lubricating gel, cocaine and ‘marked price’ Roysters crisps.

Aquarius
If it doesn’t clear up by Tuesday you will have to go to the doctors. No more excuses.

Gemini
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush – this however makes no difference to the fact your incontinence problem is getting slowly yet surely worse by the day. Look into obtaining some sort of adult nappy device preferably one that is really large and bulky so everyone can see what’s going on and have a good laugh at your exspense.

Gerald Butler

Cancer
You sensibly decide enough is enough when ASHTON KUSTHNER vomits in your bed for the third time this week and let him stay for another couple of weeks. Meanwhile a quiet drink with G&R hellraisier Axel Rose turns out exactly as you thought – tedious.

Aries
A chance meeting with ROBERT LINDSAY ends up with a sodden pair of trousers in The Port of Leith Champagne Nitespot next Thursday. Avoid Bruce Willis Videos at all cost on the 15th.

Taurus
Given the state of it its no wonder nobody wants anything to do with it. Try staying in at the weekends more often.

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