SPICY NEW ROMONOV COCKTAIL AT HEARTS

SPICY NEW ROMONOV COCKTAIL AT HEARTS

Weekly gets EXCLUSIVE on new line-up!

In an another new twist to the already turbulent, tangled times at Tynecastle, Lithuanian saviour and uber boss Vladimir Romanov has already decided on several new posts to help boost chances of making a big impact in Europe next year.

VAMPIRE

Out! Goes new coach Graham Rix and in comes Leslie ‘Dirty Den’ Grantham fresh from his controversial sacking from the B.B.C.’s excellent early night soap ‘Eastenders’. “Rix is acceptable with the U.K. as manager,” Commented Romanov, “as obviously shagging an under 16 is well out of order and totally against the law and, it seems, even after a seven year jail sentence, drives your average Daily Record reader into spasms of disbelief and rage. What though will people think when we storm into the Champions League next year and have to play abroad. What say if we meet Ajax in the qualifying groups – It’s perfectly legal to ‘bag offski’ with a fifteen year old in Holland – no result – away win. I feel that ‘Dirty Den’ with his midfield masturbation internet incident could turn things in our favour – Plus Rixy doesn’t, how you say, like the draw – I’m not going to ‘The Dam’ with him!”

"Grantham: ‘Hands on’."

In another announcement Romanov created more speculation as to the new direction he is taking the Edinburgh outfit he has decided to oust the current team physio and enlist the help of one Dr. Harold Shipman. When asked to qualify Mr Shipman’s employment the multi millionaire was typically evasive. Dr Harold Shipman has not been employed by Hearts of Romanov PLC just yet. We are still in contractual talks with his agent – and believe me Mr Shipman is a very difficult man to get a hold of – I’ve not heard a word off him in months. I’ll tell you what though, I feel he’d be a real asset when it comes to deciding the ‘length’ of players contracts.”

"Lithuanian Vodka: New special brand that only fills up overnight, when nobody's about, when everybodys in bed and no one can see. As used by Jim Baxter."

FINAL WHISTLE

Mr Romanov has announced further changes to the current set up. Goalkeeper Craig Gordon is set to be replacd by a never ending bottle of Lithuanian Vodka and striker Rudi Skacel will not be taking any further part in the season as Richard Keel (aka Jaws) moves in for ‘greater air superiority.  details are still  sketchy but it would seem the back four will have their contracts terminated and Girls Aloud, minus the ginger for obvious reasons, will step into the breach. Speaking exclusively to Shavers weekly young, free and single journalist of the year 1985, Guy Griffiths, Mr Romanov has this to say on the subject “ There is nothing really new or controversial about what I’m doing. After all -It’s a grand old team to play for! It’s a grand old team to know, and, if you know your history – you’d know that Hearts tried to sign John Pertwee several times during the seventies.”

"Keil: Big boy."
"Girls Aloud."
"Ginger: Not allowed."

NEXT MONTH:
Tony Mowbray exclusive: Why I’m Ugly. Why Hibs will tease their supporters along to the last moment only to let them down at the last hurdle and my plans to merge the lads with Partick Thistle Juniors.

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