Shavers Weekly editor and Lochgelly’s waiter of the year 1987, Mr Frank Simpson (59) has been named in The Madonna /Guy Ritchie divorce papers.


In the paper Madonna stated that she was leaving Mr Ritchie because of his unreasonable behaviour. This is now known to be because of his complaining whenever Weekly editor Frank Simpson was at their London home to give the then Mrs Ritchie her ‘shagging lessons.’I was simply trying to help the couple out,’ commented an unperturbed Simpson,


‘I knew the marriage was going through a difficult stage and felt It was my duty as a reasonable guy who knows how to relax to do the decent thing a give her a proper stuffing whenever it fitted in with my busy, busy schedule. The Fact that Mr Ritchie didn’t seem to like it much was a bit of shame -mind you he’s a only a black belt in the martial arts and as he knows I’m a 3rd dan in the Polish deadly art of Kabanos eating – so there wasn’t much the grumpy fucker could do. I mean you can’t really blame Madge can you.’

"Katy Price a.k.a Jordon."

Katy Price, who is also apparently, for some reason, known as Jordan, was reluctant to talk about the state of her marriage but did say she had spoken to Madonna and would be ‘taking onboard any advice that Mr Simpson might have – possibly two or three times a week.’

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