Unattractive England captain Kevin Pietersen has silenced critics after his team’s poor performance during the Stanford super series in the West Indies.

Speaking exclusively to the weekly from inside the recent extension to his Chelsea home he told us ‘Playing cricket exclusively for money is vulgar therefore we decided to deliberately lose the match to the Stanford superstars in order that they might bask in that false glory. Losing by ten wickets and scoring less than a hundred in fact made us look particularly smug’.


He went further stating ‘Doing anything for money was vulgar – If I was a banker I wouldn’t be doing it for the money that would be vulgar – along with the stock market I would only ‘play’ that for the prestige. It very much like when I’m masturbating- I’m only playing with myself for fun. I’m pretty good at it as well – just ask me.’ Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin backed up Kevin’s efforts in Antigua efforts stating, ‘At least they got to the final.’

"Sarah Palin (then): Mmmm.....a bit young for some tastes."
"Sarah Palin (now): Phworroaaarrr!!..that’s more like it."

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