Like most of the staff at the Weekly you’ll probably be looking forward to a well-deserved break after all the fuss and hubbub of Christmas. Weekly staff favourites are Paris and Tokyo. Being in a foreign country without being able to communicate can be quite daunting – below we let you in on just some of the phrases that have served us well.


1. Bonjour, je suis en vancances et me suis peidu – pouvez vous m’aide, s’il vous palit? (Hello, I’m on holiday and lost, can you help?)

2. Ou se trouve la charcuterie la plus proche? (Which way to the nearest delicatessen please?)

3. Vous, les Francaise, sont tout les nemes – des sucereurs de merde qui moiche ou vent et a la uopeuc (You French are all the same – scum sucking bi-sexuals)

4. Je pois que vous aimez bien beizer ma emme – mois de l’argent plus cher. (I bet you’d like to shag my missus – it’ll cost you!)

5. Veuillez avoit la gresture de ma collet une demi douzoine d’escargots? (Would you like to place half a dozen snails up my bottom?)

6. Les fioniois firent –des deux cotes – je fente pas? (Your French, you’ll go both ways, fancy a bit big boy?)

7. La dernier fois que j’etois a Paris, je ne pouvois pas m’avoir penchant une semaine. (Last time I came to Paris I couldn’t sit down for a fortnight.)


1. Hajimemashite. Yoroshiku onegai shimas (How do you do? I’m very pleased to meet you)

2. Busu dakedo. It hito dayo! (OK I may look like shit, pal, but I’m alright really)

3. Eeee shatcho. Nomimono o katte yo (Hey chief how’s about buying us all a drink)

4. Oomae no okussan eirian ne (Hey your wife’s got a face like a dogs arse)

5. Ore nomi ni uku mae, honma itsumo senzuri yaru (Sorry about that Normally I have a wank before I go out boozing)

6. Ano taima suge tsuyokute, ore memai ni natto yo! (Wow that blaw was strong. I nearly had a whitey)

7. Saitte! Daini je sakkai taisen uchi ni, ore no sufo gomon ni kakeraretta yo! (Hey your lot tortured my granddad during the war you fucking bastards)

8. Chotto matte you..Ima nikumanju aratte kuru kara sa! (Hold on sailor, I’m just away to wash it)

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