Interest in the Shavers Weekly Cycling Team and their Raid 2009 has reached fever pitch after Weekly editor Mr Frank Simpson let slip to Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight that the team intend to tackle the Krakow 3000.


The Team has had a number of sponsors over the years. The Weekly stepped in after the Astwood Cove Hotel in Bermuda ended its two-year contract. Now known as The Shavers Weekly Ghouls (ft Duvel) their apres race blazers have the moniker ‘We’re behind you’ proudly emblazoned in a discreet (tiny) badge on the inside breast. Some of the top riders are thought to be capable of averaging 14mph*. None of the riders ever, ever speak the press but Ally Watt of Lady Nairn Terrace did comment ‘I am the best at Cycling in the whole team.’


After the monumental success of the previous two adventures to Belgium and Belgium/France: meeting and greeting the Tom Boonen fan club, appearing on Eurosport naked and overseeing the shutting of the Rosyth to Zeebrugge ferry it will come as little surprise to many that the editor had his eyes set further east.

"Aqua: New sponsors for 2010?"


Quizzed about the plans this morning outside Liddell’s in Leith Luxury Kirkgate shopping ‘experience’ the 59-year-old editor was typically shrewd and calculating. ‘We are starting the raid in a country deep in the hearts and minds of the Scots – In the hearts because of the deep longing of an equally cheap pint and knockout flange and in the mind for the musings that ‘they come over here and take our jobs…’ I am of course referring to Poland – the land of the midnight dumpling. Now with the added support of Hanna/Barberra and a superb sponsorship deal from Scooby Doo and the playhouse team we are setting our sights on the Krakow 3000!’ At this a hush descended over the assembled journalists hanging on the millionaire’s every word. Journalists from some of the top publications in the country – The Skinny, The List, Scotsman, The Spurtle, The Gun and that bastion of truth and style I-On.


The Krakow 3000 is known to sportspeople young and old around the world and, to many, Frank’s great new adventure will be greeted with a great amount of admiration, respect, envy disgust, hatred, mixed with delight and seething impotent rage.

"Bodrum waterpark: Friction burns on testicles up 200% on last year."


The event, started in the late 80’s by Marty Pellow, Jurgen Klinsman, Liz Hurley and Alan Prost, involves participants cycling from Krakow, Poland through Slovakia and into Hungary to finish in Budapest. Simple enough you might think, but no, not when you have to visit every possible Aqua park en route and cover at least 3000m of sliding in each facility – and that’s proper no nonsense sliding – as a disgruntled Boris Becker found out when disqualified in 91 for ‘soft- soaping’ a term used for the repeated usage of children’s apparatus to gain extra distance – much frowned upon by 3000 fanciers. A fact not lost on McFly fans – the band refused to play live for a fortnight last year – as a direct protest against the practice.


It’s thought the ghouls will set off on their weeklong challenge in June 2009. The team are, of course, are sworn to secrecy and full details will not be released until the new year but Alistair Jeremy Ross Watt did comment ‘I am the best at waterpark fluming within the whole team – by some distance.’

* Very dependant on favourable wind conditions.

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