Dear Father Geouff!
Does Andy Murray like scud?

By e-mail,
P.Ronaldson, Newhaven.


Yes, very much so Pete, the talented six footer rents an old aircraft hanger near Stirling to keep his vast selection of pornography his favourite titles are said to include  “Over 50 and frisky’ and “Oops I’ve soiled again’.


Dear Geouff,
Recently a close friend bagged off with my missus behind my back. I feel I should try and get some sort of revenge but I find violence totally abhorrent. Any ideas?

By email,
Neil, Dunfermline.


Yes No problem. All you need is a copy of the Travelling Wilburys double CD and DVD. Called the ultimate collection it’s available for a paltry £13.95. Take it round to your mate’s house and force him to listen to it. Guaranteed he be yelling for the punishment to stop by track 4 – by which time the ketamine you’ve slipped into his can of tennents will start to take effect. Simply allow nature take it course then press the repeat button and let The Big O, George, Big Jeff Linn, Tom Petty and ‘the other guy’ extract their terrible, terrible, toll on your mate. If the missus enjoyed her ‘away day’ you might want to pop in the DVD with previously unseen footage – but be careful there’s only so much the human mind can take, and, well, The Wilburys – at full volume, plus that brutal DVD– could be a step too far.



Dear Sir,
In your otherwise excellent June issue your correspondent states that the fact that both Forfar and East Fife will be playing in the third division next year means that there is a 400% greater chance of them achieving Scottish football’s dream result. This is utter poppycock. Going into season 2006-2007, these two sides had three chances to meet: in the Scottish Cup, the League Cup or the League Challenge Cup. The fact that they will be playing in the same division next season increases the number of possible meetings to seven. This means a 233% rise in the possibility of a 5-4 scoreline, not 400%.

Yours forever,
Tom Scholz, Boston, Mass.

Yes Tom.  Good point, Sorry, but I have to ask – Do you have much of a life?
Anyway here are those all important fixtures for the forthcoming season.
Sept 1st East fife v Forfar, Dec 8th Forfar v East Fife*, Jan 19th East Fife v Forfar29th March Forfar V East Fife.
*Donates most likely 5 – 4 scoreline.

Dear Geouff,
I was a little surprised, to say the least, at Michael Jackson’s dismissal for kiddie munching last year. Especially after listening to his classic eighties hit PYT (Pretty Young Thing) Surely the authorities, knowing that Jackson is fully accredited for these lyrics, should take the song as a fully-fledged confession of guilt? I, and a tiny amount of the general public and, of course, several thousand Daily Mail readers are beginning to think so.

Caroline Aherne, Austral Asia

Thanks, for writing in Caroline.

Dear Geouff,
What does Andy Murray do for scud when he’s touring in the states?

S. Sarandon, Cal, USA.


Good question Susan, Luckily Andy is good friends with some of the team at NASA and they allow him a corner of one of the Space shuttle sheds to store what he refers to as his ‘vocational pornography’. Usually if playing in one of the majors he’ll try and relax with such titles as ‘Here Toady Toady,” or ‘Foxes in Boxes.’ Thanks for writing in Susan and keep up the ‘consistent’ work in the world of cinematography.

Dear Geouff,
If the Nazis were so obviously bad why did so many, including the ever love-able Errol Flynn, think they were they were fine?


Well reader, the world was a different place back then and I guess fascism just got lucky at the right time. It was almost a fashion if you like – Mods versus Rockers, flares versus drainies, Tom Ponton versus the world… However, in that sense things that we cherish in the present may well seem awkward and bad in the future – hopefully including Jimmy Carr who, in the future, may be viewed as the evil, twisted unamusing fiend that he is.

Dear Father Geouff,
Is it possible to get barred from the Port Of Leith and not The Port Inn?

Anon, Leith.

No, Certainly not. I have done my homework on this one and contacted the bars in question. When barred from one you are automatically barred from the other. With no exceptions my anonomous little friend.

Dr Father/Reverend? Geouff,
Why oh why oh why oh why! Oh Why Did they cancel the full series of Victoria Beckham goes to America? Myself and my girlfriend found this show to be a dazzzling, well portrayed, informative and visually stimulating look at one of our favourite popstars moving to a different continent. If only the publications I work for (The Sensible Scotsman and The Oustanding Evening News) could produce more inciteful journalism then I feel the capital would be better off.

Your Sincerly,
Euan Gray (Cheeky Moxy Monkey, Tubby little Renter)

Yes, What a shame my silver haired little friend. Worry not though as Shavers Weekly productions are producing their own ‘reality’ show entitled ‘Guy Griffiths Gets to Work On Time.’ It should be a hairaising ride  from Leith to the West End and back with plenty thrills and spills.

Dear Geouuff,
Given that I find watching schemies go about their general business in an organised fashion a great way of relaxing – where would be my top areas to hang out in the capital.

Your C.A Hill,


Ah yes, Mr Hill. I seem to remember you writing to me several times before on this subject. You would probably want to check out Asda at Slateford around teatime on a Friday is ‘defo’ hotspot.

Dear Father Geouff,
In your last publication I noticed the term ‘Deathwank’ being bounded around with great gusto and enthusiasm. I should, however, point out that the current and correct term that teenagers are using for Auto Erotic Asphyxiation is ‘Bungee-Wank’. Just thought you ought to know.

Yours Faithfully
Dr. Oliver Findlay,

Thanks, for writing in.

Dear Geouff,
Do you think Andy Murray’s wrist problem is related in anyway to his huge pornography collection.

Anders Forsrband,

Yes, I think both are interlinked.

Dear Geouff,
Now knowing that Barry George is to be allowed to appeal against his conviction for the murder of Jill Dando it suddenly struck me how little her death has affected my life. There is rarely a day goes by when I think of her. I was wondering if any other readers have similar thoughts?
Name and address respectfully withheld,
(Alistair Jeremy Ross Watt, Lady Nairn Terrace)

Yes, other readers certainly do Al, you be surprised just how many sackfulls of letters I get on this sensitive yet fascinating subject.





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