SINISTER TERROR ATTACKS AT PLUSH OFFICES SHOCKS EDITOR
The extremely plush Shavers weekly offices in Dunfermline have come under attack from what Editor Mr Frank F. W. de Simpson describes as ‘sinister mindless fanatics.’
Two separate incidents this month make worrying signs that the upmarket newspaper enjoyed by ordinary, sexually aware, families for generations may be the target for an organised campaign of terror.
Last Tuesday night the doorbell was rung at around 8.30pm yet when security guards went to answer there was no one there? Worryingly though was the shout of what seems to be a secret coded message. The security Staff reported quite clearly hearing the eerie chant of “chap door run mister!” several times- This was quite obviously a secret coded mantra- it doesn’t take a professional policeman to work that one out. Strangely though no group have yet taken responsibility for the action.
Later in the same week there was again an unusually late night call at the door of the offices. This time, not wanting to risk the lives (or widows pensions) of security guards, a clearly perturbed Mr Frank Simpson attended the huge doors himself. What met his gaze frightened the former astronaut and Fife wasp-dousing champ.
“It was a small brown paper bag which had been set alight. Fearing the worst and thinking that it was a firebomb attempt on my very (yet correctly) outspoken newspaper I stamped on the bag with great ferocity. I did this because I knew that even if I died, however unlikely, given my outrageously gorgeous daredevil past, I might at least save the lives of other equally innocent, yet not as talented, human
beings. As it turned out the bag was not full of explosives but dog excrement. The resulting explosion ended in a lengthy visit to Pullars, a loss of £14.95 and the organising of a late afternoon snatch and grab squad at Wellwood Primary.
IN THIS POINTLESS ISSUE:
•See nothing during The Festival with our 6 point guide.
•Thank fuck The Festival is over – Things to look forward to in September.
•Jenson Button on hamster teasing at 193 MPH .
•PLUS follow a very flatulent Michael Palin as he journeys into darkest dangerous Fife.