DRINKING TOO MUCH??

DRINKING TOO MUCH??

Xmas is coming the geese are getting fat and so will you – you little porker! If you continue downing the oatmeal stout every night. Lets find out once and for all. This month the Weekly asks:- Horror of horrors!  – are you drinking too much?

First a little about you:

Age…………………………………………………..
Sex…………………………………………………..
Sexual preference………………………………..
Favourite position………………………………..
Loudest remembered climax………………..
Most difficult climax……………………………
Most embarrassing time caught experimenting with sex toys, pornography and poppers………………………………………
Address……………………………………………
Availability……………………………………….
Willingness to indulge in sexual activity with more than one partner at the same time…………………………………………………

What’s your favourite tipple?
a) Lager.
b) Beer.
c) Wine.
d) Spirits.
e) Old Spice.

Where do you normally drink?
a) In Bars.
b) At home.
c) In cheesy, cheesy nightclubs.
d) In the barn.
e) By the roadside.
f) Hunters Square.

For how many consecutive days have you been drunk?
a) 1.
b) 2.
c) 4 or more.
d) More than 7.
e) What day is it?
f) Don’t understand question.

How would you describe your drinking?
a) I drink very little.
b) I drink a little more than I should but not too much for it to be a worry.
c) Like an unemployed shipworker from Castlemilk.
d) What the fuck  are you looking at cunty ba’s!

Have you ever been told by friends or colleagues that you drink too much?
a) Never.
b) Maybe.
c) What friends?
d) Fuck them what do they know.

How old were you when you first had a drink?
a) 12 – 15.
b) 16 – 18.
c) I thought you said you’d by me a drink if I answered a few questions.

How important is drink for you when socialising?
a) Not important.
b) Nice but not a deal breaker.
c) What’s socialising?
d).Forgotten question.

How would you rate a night out at the pub without drinking?
a) Alright.
b) Not likely mate.
c) Don’t understand or want to even contemplate thinking about question, in fact, fuck clean off.

Have you ever given up drink for?
a) Minute.
b) Seven minutes.
c) An hour.
d) It’s your round isn’t it? You said you’d get me a drink if I answered a ‘few’ fucking questions.

Do you consider a pint of Tennets to be?
a) Fantastic.
b) Heaven in a sensibly sized glass.
c) An advert for Scotland.
d) A bit weaker than that continental stuff.
e) About a fifteenth of the way there.
f) Not even close to understanding the question.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to here it, does it make a sound?
a) Probably
b) Fuck Off! No, get the drinks in, then and only then, fuck clean off!
c) I’m not sure I’m too busy practicing my one handed clapping.
d) I’m not sure I’m too busy practicing my one handed wanking.
e) Yes, very much in the same way that a bear excretes in woodland.

A bird in the hand is worth…?
a) Two in the bush.
b) A lager tops.
c) A free weekend in The West End Hotel, Palmerston Place.
d) A night out with Guy Ritchie.
e) Two nights out with Gerry Ritchie.
f) Three nights out with Guy Griffiths plus a bonus afternoon in the Port of Leith.

If Tommy has £3.40 and Bobby has £34.53, Bobby has enough for…
a) A good night out in CC’s.
b) A dull night out at PiVo.
c) Poppers and scud.
d) A return to Newcastle.

Finish this well known partnership. Alfred Hitchcock and the three………
a) Cans of Special Brew.
b) Rent boys down Warriston Graveyard.
c) Investigators.
d) Pounds I lent him to get the round in.

Beauty is in the eye  of the……….
a) Beholder.
b) Person who has had the most to drink.
c) Person closest to the stage in the Western.

If I gave you £20 now would you:
a) Spend it on drink.
b) Kiss me in a strange, yet inviting way.
c) Spend it on drink.
d) All three, though not necessarily in that order.

What about if I gave you £40?
a) Ooh you cheeky monkey!
b) Alright. But please do not tell my parents. Ever.
c) Don’t understand question.
d) Definitely understand question but pretending not to understand question.

How long is a piece of string?
a) Long enough.
b) Longer then when I last looked.
c) Depends on the height of the chinaman holding it.

MOSTLY A’S
You are a self righteous pompous arse.

MOSTLY B’S
You will meet a tall dark stranger who will show you a whole new world that you never knew existed. Then you will get drunk and wake up the next morning with a sore head and a strange guilty feeling that will eventually go away….when you get drunk again.

MOSTLY C’S
You’ve always been a fan of  Sergio Leone’s Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns haven’t you.

MOSTLY D’S
Don’t remember question.

MOSTLY E’S
Mostly e’s eh… I think you want to be reading M8 Or Mixmag perhaps.

MOSTLY F’S
You’ve been reading the wrong questionnaire again haven’t you. Put down that copy of  ‘Strange Lizards Boys’ and concentrate!

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