GEOUFF ON TV – APRIL 2006

GEOUFF ON TV – APRIL 2006

Dear Geouff,
Is it me or is that wank on the new BT Broadband adverts getting a rough deal? I mean to say he’s bagged off with what has to be called a ‘borderline boiler’ who then has the gaul to move in her two grumpy, untidy kids into his house, force him to get broadband and then deny him his hole at every available opportunity. Then next thing she’s knocking up a joint bank account online so whoever wants can rip the pair of them off. Pull your socks up BT!  This is just depressing for everyone involved. A complete knightmare, if you like.

yours P. Irvine, Broughton, Edinburgh.

My dearest Peter,
May I first convey my sincerest congrats on your M.B.E. Regarding the current B.T. adverts – no it’s not just you. He is getting it tight, mind you he’s no oil painting himself mind.

Dear Geouff,
We are always hearing in the press about the grueling nature of The Tour De France, the superhuman effort required by the riders and their fight against dihorrhea when their bowels eventually give way under the pressure of 21 days of exertion under a hot unforgiving sun:- So How about it Geouff? You’re a bona fide member of the press:- got any good tour de France diarrhea stories? Go on Geouff spill the beans – No pun intended!(P.S. can you tell me how to spell Dioriah)

Sir Menzies Campbell, Fife.

Very well Ming. The year is 2001 and US Postal rider Lance Armstrong is struggling to win his third Tour of France fighting off the big German T Mobile Giant Jan ‘the man’ Ullrich. The mountains have taken their toll and Lance’s almost totally exhausted nervous system is refusing to play the game. In short Lance has got a brutal case of the skits, the poo is literally running down his shorts!  However the conqueror of cancer is still  required to ride over 150km in front of roadside crowds swelling to the hundreds of thousands! So it’s up to his US Postal teammates to shelter him from the wind and keep moving back to the team support car for bidons of fresh water to pour down Lance’s shorts to wash away all that nasty carbohydrate based smell…six hours of bottom leaking bone crunching torture…Want me to continue…

Er, No thanks Geouff. That’s fine, Sir Menzies Campbell, Fife.

Dear Geouff,
Having read your previous letter about dihorrhea in the world of professional cycling I was lead to wondering about bowel problems and the world of professional darts. Any stories from the oche Geouff? Have you??

Sir Menzies Campbell, Fife.

Yes I do. Just the one. It involves Andy Fordham and a lamb vindaloo. Are you sure you really, definitely want to know it Ming?

Er Perhaps no Geouff. I was just trying to act the big man. When it comes down to it though, I don’t. I just don’t think I can handle the truth. God look at me I’m shaking –  and me a middle distance champ too! Sir Menzies Campbell, Fife.

Dear Geouff,
Despite hours and hours of tantric yoga, a strict macrobiotic diet and more Kaballah than Sting and Casey Kasem combined don’t you find Madonna a bit stiff and embarrassing in her new ‘look at my old vadge’ videos.

G. Ritchie, London.

Dear Geouff,
You hear so much these days about new technology and how we should embrace it’s benifits…though after man having set foot on the moon in 69 I can’t say either me or my mates have been there since…However as a child I wished only for the ability to speak to friends on what we called a ‘walkie talkie.’ Thanks to ‘orange’ and ‘T mobile’ I believe we have achieved this. Can we not now just call it quits (p.s. my rolex always goes round in sixty)

Yours in the royal game,
Arnold Palmer (by e-mail).

Arnold,
I fully appreciate what your saying but at the same time I have to acknowledge you are an obstinate old cunt, who, if eventfully understood the difficulties of homosexuality would still frown upon it as a life choice.

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