DARTS: BIG, CLEVER, MANLY, EFFEMINATE & BACK!

SMOKING BAN BRINGS DARTS PLAYERS BACK IN THEIR DROVES.

The elegant surroundings of Borlands Darts and Television of Leith Walk are all set for a change after surging sales the Weekly is proud to report.

First Established in 1925 the shop has provided darts players and television enthusiasts with their needs and wishes for as long as anyone  can possibly be bothered to remember, and now, after a recent upturn in demand, has decided to move upmarket to cash in on the ‘new dart breed.’

“We’re just changing with the times,” Commented owner Lord Sebastian Foulkes-Borland, “Todays darts player has changed so much from the darts player of old and he or she expects so much more from a darts retail outlet. Advertising in the Shavers Weekly and The smoking ban has helped us here as well, it’s well documented that  darts players are amongst the top 10% of wage earners in the country and find the idea of smoking cigarettes  abhorrent .

In accordance with this we are expanding the back of the shop to open our own cafe-brassiere dartarium. Its double tops and a double expresso! shanghi and shortbread! It’s bullseye and breadsticks  in fact It’s a whole range of alliteration involving darts and snacks, some of which are far too complex to go into here – Quite frankly your average Shavers Weekly reader would simply not understand. Fancy a game of 301 flyer? I know I do. Here, why not try out our full range of darts and flights in the shop, yes, take up to an hour and a half before purchasing a single pack of stems. This is the way forward in darts retail – welcome to the new bold brassy world of darts – and darts retail…Look try these flights! – they swivel when they hit the board..these ones have a picture of Homer from The Simpsons – that’s a cartoon on Sky t.v. that used to be amusing. These  stems give off an appalling smell when you miss a double or swear – great for disciplining the under 8’s.”

WORKOUT

The smoking ban has indeed seen darts players flocking back to their locals – Ricks of Frederick Street are even thinking of putting in a third board along with The Opal Lounge and the Dome who have reduced the size of their dancefloors to enable more space at the oche. “We get a great darts crowd in here – they play tough yet undeniably fair -mainly after work on their way home from the office or  perhaps on the way to the gym – They’ll not usually drink alcohol though it’s mainly expressos, lattes and the likes – most don’t take sugar preferring instead to look out for their figures with reduced calorie sweeteners. Salads are a firm favourite as well.”  commented Innes Bolt manager of The Opal Lounge whilst conducting his customary four in the morning stocktake. “The hours here are tough and uncompromising – and that’s just the way I like it.” he continued.

SCREAMING

Health clubs though, have  been  suffering with this new turnaround of events – and rightly so. “Yes, Membership is definelty down on last year.” said James Kindnose of Holmes Place. “Our extremely high percentage of gay clients are going back to their darting ways finding that a good session of arrows provides a very high workout . People seldom realise that four games of darts is equivalent of bouncing around arthurs seat fifteen times on a pogo stick and  the sheer volume of arithmetic involved in a fixture provides as much mental stimulation as reading a Len Deighton Novel upside down in a sauna wearing a duffle coat and slacks.”

NEW VERSION OF BULLSEYE JUST ADDS TO THE EXCITEMENT

On top of the no smoking ban and the sexual enlightenment of  having new players from Holland, darts has also received a boost from an old friend of the game – Bullseye. For a long time now Sunday has just not been Sunday for a lot of people and nothing’s changed – as the new version of the show is on a Monday. Add to that, It’s  on Satellite tv’s  ‘Challenge channel’, so nobody will see it anyway.

WHAT THE PLAYERS THINK:

STEVEN MIDDLETON,
42, Leith.

Its well documented that  darts players are amongst the top 10% of highest wage earners in Britain but have a dislike of smoking and therefore used to prefer to play at home. With the new smoking ban publicans have seen darts enthusiasts returning to pubs in their droves. Bars noticing the new trend are mainly upmarket cafe brassieres such as  the converted banks on George St.  We spoke to several darts enthusiasts who refused to comment for this article BUT then to Steven Middleton of Leith who gushed and gushed. On and On he went for about half an hour about his darting highlights and near misses, how he’d been knocked out of The West Lothian Open in the first round and how everything was unfair and that the posh boys got their way all the time. We edited down his ranting to a quick no-nonsense paragraph.

“Oh Yes It’s nice to get back into ‘the pub’ to play some ‘arrows.’ Before I’ve been in and you could barely see the board. Now, I just grab a v neck,  suitable cravatte, phone up Humphrey,  Jeff and Nigel, throw the darts purse in the back of the 4×4  and  off I go! – Oh and a quick splash of Calvein Kleins ‘Shrek’ for men- Always a quick splash of ‘shrek!”

COLIN FARRELL,
Actor & blatant Liar, Actor & blatant liar, Ireland.

On my average weekend I’ll smoke three ounces of hash, take twenty gubbies, wear four pairs of underpants, tame two giraffes, snort at least four grammes of charlie, gob enough’ base’  to fuel a 747 and probaly smoke a stone of heroin on Sunday just to calm things down after a good EIGHTEEN GAMES of darts and two pints of Tennets in the Gunner.

JACK MCCONNELL,
somewhere reasonably well to do, but not too flash, yet, but just you wait when I’m finished with politics, Scotland.

If darts is the new thing and the no smoking ban is having a good effect then yes, I love darts. In fact I’ve always loved darts, I  play most weekends in Alloa when getting my mutant hairstyle attended to. Please vote for me, young people of Scotland

SHREK,
Cartoon character,  Dreamworks,  USA.

They say I look like that Steven Middleton bloke from Leith I think that’s a bit rough Readers what Do you think?

WHAT THE STARS SAY:

NICOLE RITCHIE

Yes I’m thin,  undernourished, and fully realise that I have a problem, I must get treatment for it – I just can’t finish – my doubles are very, very poor – The worry has made me shed pounds! It’s Ok though -there are several darts treatment facilities available in California now. I believe actor and close friend Billy Baldwin is in the process of setting one up while it’s still somewhat trendy – god I hope there is still some time left – this overnight fashion won’t last forever. Mind you, I believe that boy band sensation, Ronan Keating and former top model Yasmin Le Bon are thinking about setting up another, in a former scouts hall, in Middelsborough. It’s what Lord Baden Powell would have wanted. So maybe I could attend that one…weak…so weak…must ask dad for a rise…

KATE MOSS

(On Niaomi) Yes I’ve played her several times and not only is she moody – she’s shit as well! All I have to do is knock in a couple of ton forties she totally bricks it! Mind you…she got more guts than Nicole,,,on the inside anyway…

MADONNA

(On Guy) He’ll normally always goes for treble twenty – But he’ll go down exactly when and where I tell him…If he knows what’s good for him…

CHARLIZE THERON

I fucked that little cow Mary-Kate Olsen right over last week in the Strathmore! I totally whaled on her! 5  fucking nil!  Taking the last game with a shanghai twenty – Take that you stinking  little muter!  Nicole Ritchie? – It’s true, she just can’t finish: her dinner or the darts – the little vommer!

This weeks centre spread article:

This article was, by usual standards, as average as the last one. Layout? Well the team at SW have obviously been trying but, as with the content, have a long way to go. Darts? Are they back? Well yes. They are. All my hollywood pals are chucking at the weekend – But I don’t think a sensationalist centre-page spread like this is really going to help the ‘tungsten’ sport – mind you they’re right about that little minger Nicole Ritchie. The only decent ‘throwing’ she does at the weekend is down the pan!  Ending on a more constructive note though, I feel the whole article would have been a lot more uplifting and positive if there had been several soft-focus pictures of Paul Newman in a blue denim shirt with at least three buttons undone.

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