CREDIT CRUNCHING SUPERSTARS

CREDIT CRUNCHING SUPERSTARS

When we think of the credit crunch we always think of the suffering of the lower echelons of society – serfs such as those who work for Standard Life, The Scotsman or anything remotely connected to the Internet. But it’s not just the little people that can be affected. The crunch can also affect nice, healthy, superstars as well. Take some tips from the following celebrities on how to change your lifestyle to fit the times.

TOM & KATIE CRUISE (Catwank).Both Tom and Katie remember where they came from and know the real value of money. They realise that having sexual intercourse though free can be expensive in the form of energy if you bother to climax. The couple solve the problem by either flying in opposite directions in the U.S. and never, ever climaxing when they do occasionally bump into each other.

MADONNA
A strict kaballahist Madonna remembers that last dip in world finances cost her deep so she pulls in the purse strings by getting rid of anything useless around the house that isn’t pulling its weight or is costly to run – goodbye Guy Ritchie and Hello Jesus.

Roger Moore, 007, for the Shavers weekly

THE TRAVOLTAS
John Travolta and Kelly Preston
John and Kelly realise that in a depression itís going to be costly to take the 747 on the tiresome weekly shop to South East Asia – aviation fuel doesn’t grow on trees you know. Also they are acutely aware of just how expensive having a young adolescent growing up can be – easy solution though – goodbye young adolescent – well you can always make another one when things take a turn for the better. What better excuse than good old scientology to hide behind when you can’t be bothered getting an expensive doctor to save your costly sons life.

BIG FRANK SIMPSON
World superstar, ski jumping champ and weekly editor Frank F.W de Simpson realises that the belts must be tightened during an economic crisis – not his though! The secret he says is to “Look at the drop in profits and subtract the difference in staff wages. Staff perks must be examined too. And the amount of food that employees are consuming in the canteen also has to go under the microscope – sometimes literally. Even if things get very very desperate never lay staff off – just insist they work for nothing or pay you for the experience.”

HARRISON FORD & CALISTA FLOCKHART
Harrison knows that a divorce is the last thing that his bank balance needs during a down turn so he’s invested in a natty line of paper bags to stick over his partners head. “Some times I draw pictures of other stars on them to pass the time – George Clooney or Scooby are favourites.” Explains the hunky pensioner.

Ian Botham
FUN FACT FOR THE OVER FIFTIES! Did you know that Ian Botham bowled his last over with his penis hanging out?

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