BEST OF THE FEST GUIDE! EDINBURGH FESTIVAL 2006

The Shavers Weekly – No nonsense, at a glance, easy to read, at your fingertips, NON DOCTOR, straight forward, STAIN RESISTANT , NON-FLAMABLE, BEST OF THE FEST GUIDE!

Confused (dot com)? No need to be now!  We’ve despatched our cub reporters all around town to give no nonsense unbiased guide to the hotest tickets this summer! The Weekly we do all the work so you don’t have to!

A group of sad lonely, self-centred festival wanks.

STAND UP

‘Still Taking The Piss After All These Years’

It’s that cunt from the telly, remember, yeah him, presenting a scintillating new stand up show – consisting of him a microphone and a selection of stories of minor celebrities who have disgraced themselves and expects you to pay £20 for the privilege of sitting still.

VENUE: A fucking lot of them.

TIMES: Too many times.

COST: See above.

WEEKLY RATING: Stay in The Horseshoe.


‘Craig Hill eats his own head’

Squeaky clean Craig Hill desperatly eats his own head live on stage for your (potential) entertainment.

VENUE: Who cares.

TIMES: Just the once.

COST: Priceless.

WEEKLY RATING:
If you like to see almost grown men eating their pwn heads – then this ones for you!

WALKS

‘Fright Night City’

Let your host – The ghost of a disgraced 70’s t.v. presenter – guide you on a walking tour of Edinburgh’s haunted Royal Mile. Along the way three unemployed actors, clad in theatrical off-casts of faux- dickensian, but actually plain stinking, style (weekly cub reporter Guy Griffiths worked as the skeleton for over 5 months), will leap out of various close entrances and disport themselves ghoulishly, much to the bemusement of the 14 cold and miserable Japanese tourists, who really wish they hadn’t bothered. Learn the secrets of the city’s grisly past! You won’t believe your ears – and quite right too! – Most of it is utter pish! Includes free half pint in Jenny Ha’s – You’ll need it!

VENUE: High St nightly at 9.

COST: Officially about a tenner, unofficially free because weekly Staff have followed the unfortunates around from a disance of about 15 metres without payment – Childish? – Certainly. Embarrassing? – yes, but for who….?

DISCUSSION GROUP

‘Changing attitudes to celebrity culture in modern scotland’

An audience with Arts impresario Richard Demarco about his groundbreaking examination of the cases of Angus Deayton and Bryce Curdie and the cultural shift they reveal. In particular the pate and Claret obbessed one asks: Why, in one era, a smug, smarmy, vapid, autocue-reading, John Cleese impersonator can get blatantly caught paying £1000 a night hookers to blow cocaine up his arse in a sleazy hotel room, and still be all over the telly, while in another era a much loved local Grampian T.V.  presenter can be allowed to disappear without a trace. This evening will hopefully reveal for the first time what really happened to Bryce that fateful night, and the shameful roles played by Mary Marquis, Glen Michael and Palladin the lamp.

VENUE: Charlotte Square.

TIME: Wednesday 29th August 7.30 pm.

COST: £6|£4.

WEEKLY RATING: Well worth a look!

A very suspicious looking owl visits the Assembly Rooms on half price Tuesday.

ART

‘And after many a summer dies the swan’

Constructed entirely out of discarded cigarette packets, this serene yet rhythmical installation by Russian Cyclist Vladimir  Karpets reflects on the way in which the scandalous exits of the one time famous confer upon them a cruel immortality, and allow them to haunt the vestiges of our mental landscape as contemporary celebrities perhaps never can. First shown at the Venice Bienalle where one critic described it as “Profound exploration of memory and absence – but definitely made out of fag packets.

VENUE: Brian McMaster’s back garden.

TIME: Contantly.

COST: Expensive.

WEEKLY RATING: Its the BIZO!

FILM

Ken Loach’s ‘Holmes And Watson Ride Again.’

This enjoyable good going family romp sees the greatest sleuthing twosome of them all once agin of the trail of their nemisis, Professor Moriarty. The film is set against the pitiless squalor of contemporay urban Britain – from the inequality and deprivation of a Liverpool housing scheme to the casual, indiscriminate violence of a Glasgow Slum – and is a bitter indictment of Governmnet failure. Most interesting though is the casting: the savagely misogynistic aristocratic hedonist Holmes is played by snooker commentator John Virgo, while Willie Thorn makes his celluloid debut as the brutish, thuggish, sidekick Watson. Says Loach “I originally thought Cannon and Ball but isn’t one of them dead or is that Little and Large? But John and Ken have got this amazing chemistry, and are such naturals in front of the camera, John especially.My real coup though was with the role of Professor Moriarty – I’ve managed to persuade Bryce Curdie out out retirement! I mean, come on, he’s done his time, let’s stop the sniggering and lets allow him to resurrect his career.’

VENUE: Filmhouse.

TIME: Various – check listings.

COST: £10 /£8.

WEEKLY RATING: You’ll laugh, you’ll cry – but you’ll watch, by god you’ll watch!

THEATRE

‘OO! The Trav Darling’

Moved from it’s original home in the Grassmarket in the late nineties “The Traverse Theatre is a festival of humanity in itself . All types gather here daily – wanks, tossers, balloon heads – everyone. A must see for any budding festival goer! The range is impressive too, darling! From childrens face painting in the mornings through inflated ego and dance in the afternoon to lesbian, vegetarian midget mud wrestling  at night. Don’t miss!

VENUE: Whole word is a venue, darling!

TIME: Time is only a state of mind.

COST: If you have to ask you can’t afford it.

WEEKLY RATING: STOP READING! Get to the Trav.

"The uncompromising, brutal world of face painting."

CLUB

‘Festival club at the western’

After a hard day slogging in the culture mines why not relax in the warm and inviting atmosphere of Festival club@TheWestern? You can catch up on all the hot goss, hob nob with the performers and hear all the top tips from your  fellow festivalgoers. Or maybe you just fancy a dance?

VENUE: The Wesern Bar, The West Port.

TIME: Daily.

COST: £5.

WEEKLY RATING: Top quality!

Sad isn’t it? Some people still think that by getting dressed up in matching ‘silly outfits’ they can pose for photographs and somehow make a generally dull page slightly more entertaining.

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