Aquarians! Start the month by doing a good deed and thinking of those around you- Try wearing a bag on your head before leaving the house.
Looks like your job as spokesperson for the U.N. may be in danger after your generous offer to Hezbullah and the Israelis to ‘try and settle things over a pint’ falls on cold, cold ears.
Think of new ways to hang out and relax. Try and meet some new company. Why not try phoning Hollywood powerbroker Mel Gibson, he could do with a few extra pals at the moment.
Things have been hectic recently and should make an effort to relax over the next couple of days. Try drinking the following over the weekend: Two bottles of Wine, a bottle of Rolov Vodka about twenty five pints of strong continental bier, as much Midori as you can bear plus down at least – and I do mean at least – half a family sized bottle of Night Nurse. Then visit your partner’s parents and put the world to rights.
After reading Noel Edmonds latest book about cosmic order and self focus You set yourself some tough goals this month. Sadly none of it is going to come to fruition – especially the bit where you intend to have ‘a satisfactory sexual encounter.’
Casual sex has never seemed so casual as next Wednesday in The Alhambra. You’ll hardly feel it – and you know why? Because you’re dreaming. You’ve fallen asleep at closing time again and have to be revived with a well aimed glass of water.
Drinking tramps’ piss doesn’t actually do that much for anti-ageing – but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun – so don’t knock before you try it.
Be cautious when someone suggests a thrilling plan this month. These swingers clubs aren’t all they’re cracked up to be and your managerial job at Standard Life could suffer.
Liz Hurley goes through hell to keep that bikini figure at 41 – so it’s ‘a bit disrespectful’ for you and your friends to throw pies at her when you see her leaving Leith’s plush Waterworld facility on Thursday.
Best not beat about the bush. Let’s just sum up the coming month for you in two words – ‘Nil Points.‘
It may be irritating to find that friends or a loved one have been keeping things from you – But lets face it genital warts aren’t something you really want to shout about.
Tired of dancing to someone else’s tune? I’m not surprised – as much as Two Unlimited were a great band – ‘No Limits’ gets tiresome after the ninth consecutive listen.