1. Father Christmas likes to sport a big white beard.This is because he was caught on video, unshaven,robbing a TSB in Morningside and wishes to maintain his anonymity rather than face a five-year jail sentence with tattooed men interfering with him.
2. Santa is very keen on sexual congress – ladies, why else do you think you keep receiving that tacky underwear at Xmas every year.
3. Santa is a big fat bastard – this is most likely down to the sheer volume of rich Tea biscuits and milk he is obliged to eat around the 25th.
4. It is Santa, not your teenage delinquent children that has been stealing alcoholic beverages from your drinks cabinet all these years. Vodka is his favourite – but will drink anything to hand if needs be.
5. Father Xmas has ‘lain with your mother.’
6. There are, in fact, some 2000 Santa Clauses, they can be found on a daily basis come December, worrying children in major department stores.
7. Santa has ‘lain with your father’ as well as your mum. He liked it better with your dad.
8. Santa supports Hearts and likes nothing better than a ‘good noise up’ at the New Years Day fixture. He was lifted last year and spent a week in Saughton for ‘Urinating in a manner likely to upset and very, very likely offend the general public.’
9. The general public are often easily offended. Not last when Shavers Weekly editor and hand-care expert, Mr Frank Simpson dressed as Santa at the staff Xmas party 04. After several libations the self-made millionaire arrived naked in his helicopter at Dunfermline Town Hall.
10. Santa has extraordinary time and space capabilities. As well as delivering gifts to all the little boys and girls (in the developed world) he also finds time to pay for sex during his ‘busiest night of the year.’