‘WORST WEEKLY EVER?’

‘WORST WEEKLY EVER?’

Critics, fools and general ne’er do wells are already calling this edition of the Shavers Weekly the worst in living memory. Pointing at obvious weak spots such as low page numeration, lack of content, humour and general all round attention to detail top celebrities have been giving The Weekly a panning.

EMMENTAL

Gordon Ramsay led the way, commenting “Bollocks,bollocks…Where are the bollocks big boy? If I don’t see bollocks by the fifth page it’s over – Now come on! Let’s have a big effort – yes?” Donald Trump was quick to add his sixpence worth “I’m not a bully I’m an environmentalist and I know non environmental paper when I see it, and Emmental cheese – I’m pretty good at spotting that too.” He told surprised diners at The Sea Breeze restaurant on Leith Walk.

"Environmentalist: Mr Trump has a group of six field mice living in his hair at any one time."

INTENSE

Big speaking and self made he –man, Mr Frank ‘How Dare You’ Simpson, editor since 1926 has hit back. He explained the situation whilst taking An ‘intense’ training session with the ladies seniors at Tynecastle with close friend Vladimir Romanov “Oh they think this is a slack piece of ‘jigsaw journalism’ thrown together for a few quid do they? Well may I remind them of this papers heritage: Hark back if you will to Festival 05 when we wheeled out the ‘Here Come The Festival Wanks Again’ for the 15th straight time – now that is slipshod reporting – proper slipshod. I think this issue  has a higher calling, personally I think of it as A full justification of the futility of existence. “

MEGALOPOLIS

Later, during a hushed press conference at the Queens hall (outside) Simpson, now 59, told a group of motivated Big Issue journalists the truth of living on the front line. In an emotional speech lasting just over eight hours he had a large crowd moved to both tears and cheers as he described how he had dragged myself up from ‘a living hell- the very bowels of society’ -his interpretation of his formative years working in the Fife coalmines. This however was not good enough for denture wearing grumpy Scottish golfer Colin ‘ugly’ Montgomerie. Who happened to be drinking in the nearby Quarter Gill at the time. “If I were to write for the Weekly, even though I don’t, and wouldn’t – even if asked, it would be of a much higher quality.” He commented gruffly and in a typically unamusing fashion. Meanwhile, back in The Capital, arts supremeo and hand-gliding expert Pete Irvine (50) would not be drawn on the subject “Driving between Paris and Barcelona is a complete knightmare – the two cities have fused like one great big megalopolis.” He commented shrewdly.

DID THE MCANNS KILL LADY DI?

-FIND OUT IN OUR FREE 86 PAGE PULLOUT WHICH CONVERTS INTO A FULL COLOUR WALLCHART AND CALENDAR WITH SAT NAV AND FREE BROADBAND WIRELESS INCLUDING THREE BONUS CD’s, A TIN OF RONSEAL AND A SELF WINDING ALARM CLOCK/TOOTHBRUSH COMBINATION WHICH CAN ALSO BE USED AS A PAINTBRUSH OR A SCOOTER.

MEN -WHAT ARE THEY GOOD FOR?

– Formula 1 race ace Yannick Dalmas explains all! (In his 1st interview with the Weekly since 1987)

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