Startling new figures released to The Shavers weekly last night show that Britain’s yob culture is truly spiraling out of control.
New crime statistics show that muggings, car crime and certain forms of masturbation are all slightly on the increase, however, more worrying is the trend that youths no longer consider ‘blowing off’ to be rude or offensive!
This will come as a blow to the newly re-elected Prime Minister Tony Blair who has vowed to ‘wage war’ on young louts “It is a grim testament to the low levels of mutual respect in today’s modern society when youngsters feel they can simply ‘crank one out’ and then feel totally ambivilant as to the results and reactions of their peers.” He commented darkly. John Presscott seemed equally as dismayed. Addressing a group of under 8’s in micro bio -technology at a primary school in Dumbartonshire he let rip commenting shrewdly “In my day it was very much a case of who smelt it – dealt it! And when caught, depending on the power and intensity of the emission, the offender would be socially ostracised for an according length of time….sometimes for hours in the case of myself. It was tough but it let you know the rules by which to live ones life – and bowel functions… it taught you an awful lot about bowel functions.”
Back in from the cold David Blunket sent out mixed messages however, talking at right angles to assembled journalists he explained “I always smelt it but it was very difficult for me to ascertain who dealt it – just another one of the trials and tribulations of being blind I suppose, still, looking on the bright side I can go out and bag off with some real mingers and have no problem reaching climax so it’s swings and roundabouts really isn’t it.” One person who has no problem with the new attitude is heavily flatulent award winning journalist John ‘cannape’ Gibson. Owning to the ‘busy’nature of his bowels he has had a 13metre exclusion zone around his desk at the offices of The Evening News for over ten years now. “People laugh but flatulence has been a real problem for me over the years and it’s not easy sitting by yourself for a decade, or maybe my colleagues just don’t like me, perhaps I’ll never know… sniff.” he commented encouragingly.
The Weekly also spoke briefly to David Beckham on the subject he told us “Victoria doesn’t like it when I do that sort of thing.”