After the shock news on the front cover stating that this edition of The Weekly is perhaps the worst in the papers illustrious 82-year history, stars and friends have rallied around Shavers Weekly editor Mr Frank Simpson.
Gordon Ramsay was first to sing his praises. Speaking from a bed in the capitals fashionable Western General Hospital he told weekly reporters and various doormen that “Big Franks publication has “Always come up with goods and that Franks bollocks were amongst the biggest he’d seen” adding “I’ve seen a lot of bollocks in my time.” When quizzed about how he sustained his injuries he was unusually reticent commenting that ‘He must have slipped on a wet pavement.’
Meanwhile at a secluded hideout in Aberdeenshire, Donald Trump had also changed his tune, speaking from behind a special screen and using an interpreter he suggested that “This was one of the best Weekly’s he ever read – if not the best ever,” and “To pass on his very best wishes to Mr Simpson along with the plain brown envelope his professional bodyguard had provided earlier.” He also stated that “Big Frank was welcome to stay at any of his hotels at any time.”
Speaking to Journalists for the first time since his hands were crushed in a ‘freak accident’ involving a cement mixer, a humble Colin Montgomerie was also full of praise for Mr Simpson’s publication. “I think my comments made outside the Quarter Gill earlier in this issue were taken entirely out of context. What I actually meant to say was that I’d dearly love to write for the Shavers Weekly – the paper that cares – free of charge just for the kudos – but sadly I hadn’t been asked.” “Though,” he continued, “I would put this down to my lack of journalistic experience rather than any sort of misjudgement on Mr Simpson’s behalf.” He also wanted it to be known that “Mr Simpson was welcome to use his private jet and memberships to several golf courses worldwide whilst he got over his unavoidable accident with the cement mixer.”
Later Hogmanay hero and go-karting champ Peter Irvine, now 48, remained aloof of the whole controversy. “Money is merely freedom in today’s society – they say a camel has more chance of getting through the eye of a needle than a rich man has of getting into heaven – I’m not so sure – what if someone were to buy heaven and then start charging for the privilege – what then, dear readers, what then?” he commented dreamily.